Lumaistly Hermerny
by DarkLiberator
Summary: This is the journey of 6 vastly unique and dastardly souls. The quest of one man's insatiable lust for power, moe, and his slice of the American Dream will change all of their lives forever. This is the story of...LUMAISTLY HERMERNY.
1. Prologue

Once, there were two separate people from separate worlds.

One was a real human being.  
The other was a moe anime girl.

Fate will bring them together in a way nobody, not even Einstein thought possible.

"SPIRITS, SON."


	2. Chapter One: Juddy I

Juddy woke up to a strange sound after he crashed into the Earth.

"Oh god dammit, not another hangover!" he muttered to himself.

Juddy however, ignored that for the time being and just tried to get his bearings and find out exactly where the hell he was.

He then saw a tree.

There was a sound.

"WHO'S THERE!?" he yelled, throwing a fireball from his hands.

The fireball then set a young girl on fire.

Juddy felt guilty, "Oh fuck, I need to stop doing that." and used a water spell to douse the girl before she could burn to death.

Juddy was frustrated with the girl, "Who the fuck are you, bitach!?".

"I am Ritsu." said the girl.

"Oh, okay, call me Juddy." Juddy replied.

Ritsu stood up, "Hi Juddy why did you set me on fire".

Seeking to get to the bottom of this mess, Juddy pulled out some rope and spent the next few minutes tying up the girl to the tree to interrogate her.

"Okay biatch, tell me what's going on." Juddy demanded.  
"WHY ARE YOU HERE!?"

"Please! Leave me alone! I had nothing to do with this!" Ritsu cried. "I just woke up here and I don't know where I am or what happened whatsoever!"

Juddy had enough, he grabbed the girl by the collar of her uniform and demanded more information.

"WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS." said Juddy.

"I DON'T KNOW!" Ritsu yelled back.

Juddy burnt Ritsu's hand and then untied her.

Ritsu tried to run.

"Nah uhhh." he said to her.  
"No running anywhere little girly."  
Ritsu complied with her kidnapper's request and allowed Juddy to chain her up like a dog.

"You are MY drummer now." said Juddy as he moved his hand towards her face.

And then Ritsu barked three times.

"Wow, why did I do that." Ritsu said.

"Because I like ripping off shoujo anime." Juddy replied.

And then Juddy took his new "slave" and walked through the forest with her on his "leash", a whole hour passed as he did so.

"We've been walking for one whole hour and we haven't found anything or anyone!" cried Ritsu.

Juddy burnt Ritsu's other hand.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP I DIDN'T GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK." he yelled.

Ritsu then still tried to help, "Please Juddy let me look at your phone, I might be able to help you."

Juddy was angry, "MY PHONE'S OUT OF FUCKING BATTERY POWER." but threw it to Ritsu anyway.

When the phone reached Ritsu's palm, her female energy lighted the phone up.

"Figures" said Juddy all upset-like, "It worked for the cute moe but not for ME."

Ritsu replied "Did you say something, Juddy?"

"NO, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL, NOW SHUT YOUR GODDAMNED MOUTH." Juddy tsundered. 


	3. Chapter Two: Toadfish I

Toadie woke up to the sound of an alarm.

"Wow, a new day! Hahaha!" he boasted.

Toadie got out of bed and had his favourite breakfast: fried eggs and ham and cheese royale with cheese royale with cheese royale with cheese royale with cheese zed's dead baby.

Oh whoops, food porn I'm sorry guys.

Anyway, Toadie went into the kitchen and found two moe housemates working on their own food project.

One of the two moe housemates, Yui, greeted Toadie, "Hi Toadie how's your morning, has it been fun?"

"It was super energy restoring, mate!" said Toadie and he high fived Yui.

Sanji from One Piece was making fried toast with a double helping of mayonnaise and cheese (but not cheese royale).

"Hi, Sanji." Toadie said to him.

"Hi!" Sanji said back.

They then all went out to go bowling. Ui won the bowling competition they had (Ui is Yui's sister in case you didn't know).

Toadfish then went to work at the truck factory.

He then went to see his boss, Mr. Akiyama.

Mr. Akiyama seemed very angry.

"MY DAUGHTER IS MISSING!" he angrily said.

"Oh nos!" said Captain Toadie, "What are you gonna do about it?"

"We have to find her, that's what we're gonna do, asswipe!" said Mr. Akiyama angrily, "We don't know where she is but I'm having trucks look for her and we found this man who might be able to help us, as well."

Then a man looking "cooly" with a black coat and scarf came and lighted up his hands all magical-like with a flick of his fingers.

The man greeted Toadie, "Nice to meet you Toadie. The name's Jeremy. I'm a huge fan of the work you do here." said Jeremy all "cool-like".

"Hi Jeremy." said Toadfish.

Mr. Akiyama continued, "Toadie, if you can assist Jeremy and help find my daughter with him, well then I shall promote you to station chief."

"CHIEF? WOW!" Toadie knew this was a chance to ride the big bucks.

Then Toadie and Jeremy left to search for Mio.

"Any idea where we should look first?" Toadie asked Jeremy.

Jeremy then dragged Toadie behind a doorway and sealed him in a a dark room.

"Okay, nobody should be able to hear us here." said Jeremy sneakily.  
"Look, Toadie. These guys are trying to get you killed."

Toadie was shocked, "WHAT!?"

Jeremy continued, "They know you're living with Mio's friends Yui and Ui, they think that's weird and they assume you're a pedophile or something. They plan to have me lure you into a nearby forest where snipers will shoot you to death, and then afterwards, they will interrogate your entire family to find out where Mio is, supposedly." Jeremy explained in detail.

"What!?" said Toadie, who could scarcely believe what he had just been told.

"LOOK, mate, we don't have much time, there's too much crap going on and my friends could be anywhere out there, BUT I'm secretly working for a guy who may be able to help you." Jeremy said very seriously.

"Okay, I'm listening." Toadie said.

"He is a lawyer named Saul Goodman, he is currently representing my friend John after he accidently blew up a maid cafe and accidently caused the death of six moes." Jeremy explained.  
"Here's the plan, I'm going to have Saul stall Mio's dad for us to give us some time, and then...well we'll just have to make use of that time to try and find Mio ourselves." Jeremy said.

Toadie agreed with the plan, "Okay, I don't like what you've just told me, but okay." 


	4. Chapter Three: Cersei I

In another time, another place, an entirely different universe even; Cersei was being her normal slut self as per usual.

"I feel like killing a random character today." she said.

Cersei had Jon Snow dragged in.

"Kill this little bitch." she ordered.

Janos Slynt followed her order and cut Jon Snow's head off.

Cersei smirked at Jon's execution, "Lol that was fun."

"Can I eat some more babies tonight." Janos asked.  
"Very well." Cersei said. "But only for tonight, the rest of the Northerner babies we captured yesterday are to be reserved only for my personal dinners."

Cersei then sipped some more wine.

"Hey Meryn Trant can you like drag Arya Stark in." Cersei commanded evily.

Arya was dragged into the throne room.

"I command you, Meryn Trant, to molest this Northern whore."

Arya screamed in anguish as Meryn Trant molested her.

He then cut her head off.

"Ha ha ha", Cersei said, "Now you can all fuck off, next time someone complains about our rule we'll kill some more Starks."

Cersei sipped more wine.

She got drunk again.

Life was good. 


	5. Chapter Four: Juddy II

"FUCK, I need a coffee!" Juddy yelled.

"Well we can't get anything until we reach a town or city or some other form of civilization." Ritsu explained.

Juddy was not happy with that response, "Make me a coffee please, moe." he ordered.

"Um that's kind of physically impossible Juddy...I'm sorry..." Ritsu said.

Juddy got angry, "FUCK YOU SHITSU I WANT SOME FUCKING COFFEE, SO EITHER MAKE ME A FUCKING COFFEE MAKER OR GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!" Juddy yelled.

Ritsu could not possibly give him the coffee that he wanted, "I'm sorry master, it's just not physically possible..."

Juddy then bonked Ritsu on the top of her head.

He then pulled off her hair clip, and threw it through the forest.

"Fetch." Juddy ordered.

"Um, what, master?" Ritsu said quizzically.

"Did you not hear me, dog, I said FETCH." Juddy ordered, "If you don't fetch I'll roast you with fire magic again."

Ritsu then fetched the hair clip.

"Good girl." Juddy said, he then patted Ritsu on her head.

"Have a snack." Juddy took out a potato chip and held it high above Ritsu then lowered the chip onto her mouth.

"What is it now, master?" Ritsu said.

"Eat up, I am rewarding you with a snack." Juddy said.

"Oh okay." Ristu responded and then ate the chip.  
"Roooough" Ritsu muttered, "YUMMY."

Juddy and Ritsu continued to walk through the forest, some time passed as they did so.

But then randomly, a bunch of Russians came out of the forest and held Juddy and Ritsu up.

"в порядке вы лохи, время умирать, мы знаем, вы скрываете Клементина в этом лесу, и мы не дают ебать, если наша грамматика или язык дерьмо, потому что мы не можем бюджет дерьма в этом фанфик в порядке? Просто сдать свой гребаный деньги." said the Russians while aiming their AK47s at the two.

"Sorry guys, I don't speak French." Juddy replied.

The Russians were not pleased with Juddy's response, "Французский? Вы чертовски обезьяна, ты смеешь оскорблять нас, как это? Сдайте свой гребаный деньги, вы и Азии шлюха СЕЙЧАС!", they yelled.

Juddy was pissed off at the attitude of the Russians, "How about you fucking leave." he then picked up a tree stick, "Before I shove this tree stick up your ass like a popsicle."

And then the Russians opened fire. 


	6. Chapter Five: Saul I

Saul knew what his job was.

He was to stall Mr. Akiyama and give Jeremy and Toadfish enough time to locate Mio, preventing Toadie's assassins from completing their job and therefore bring Toadie onto Jeremy's side to assist in an upcoming heist.

He went into the truck factory.

Two dubious looking guys were talking with Mr. Akiyama, "Mr. Akiyama, this job is going to cost some good cash, you realise?" said one of the guys.

Mr. Akiyama saw Saul approach, "A minute, Saul." he said.

Both of the guys Mr. Akiyama were talking to looked tall and imposing, one of them had a long black coat with sideburns on his face and the other guy was deaf.

The deaf guy made a gesture in sign language. "So you want us to kill these two young men?"

The guy with the sideburns translated the deaf guy's sign language, "So you want us to kill these two young men?" he asked.

"Yes." said Mr. Akiyama, "And bring extra firepower for the black coated kid with the scarf, he's got magical powers." Akiyama warned.

"Magical powers? What the fuck Mr. Akiyama...are you high?" said the guy with the sideburns.

"I'm telling the truth Mr. Numbers! He can create wind, fire, and lightning just with his HANDS!" said Mr. Akiyama very seriously.

"Oh christ." Saul Goodman thought, "They mean to kill Jeremy and Toadfish." he realised, "I better warn them ASAP."

The deaf guy made another sign gesture in response to Mr. Akiyama's warning, "Yeah, and I'm the King of Spain."

"Yeah, and I'm the King of Spain." the Sideburns guy translated.

Mr. Akiyama was losing his patience, "You can take my warning or ignore it...just hurry the fuck up and kill those two guys, please." Akiyama replied.

"Whatever." said Mr. Numbers, "Let's just do this shit Mr. Wrench." and him and Mr. Wrench leaved to carry out their mission.

Mr. Akiyama then turned to Saul, "Now what did you want again, Saul?" but Saul began to ring Jeremy's phone.

"Another time Mr. Akiyama, something's come up." Saul said while walking away from Akiyama.

"..."

"Come on Jeremy, fucking answer already!" Saul thought to himself.


	7. Chapter Six: Toadfish II

Toadie was travelling with Jeremy in a car.

Jeremy was driving.

"So where are we gonna look, Jeremy?" asked Toadfish.

"Anywhere." Jeremy replied. "Saul will take Mio's dad out for a cross-country drive himself or some shit, he's good at that kind of stalling crap, trust me."

"But – but." Toadie argued, "WHAT IF THEY ARRANGE MY ASSASSINATION BEFORE SAUL CAN STALL AKIYAMA!?"

Jeremy stopped the car.

"Okay listen up, you idiot, I'm not under any obligation to help you so just shut your fucking trap OKAY." said Jeremy angrily.

Toadie did not care, "MY LIFE IS IN DANGER! I'M ONLY 16, I CAN'T DIE THIS YOUNG!" Toadie screamed.

Jeremy punched Toadie in the face.

"Look you fucking bitch, just sit down, shaddup, and listen carefully to my instructions and you might just make it out of this garbage with your fucking life, ALRIGHT!?" Jeremy yelled.

"...okay..." Toadfish said.

And then Jeremy's phone rang.

"Oh fuck, that's been ringing for the last 10 seconds now, shut up please Toadie you bitch I've gotta take this call." Jeremy said.

Jeremy heard Saul's voice when he accepted the call.

"JEREMY IS THAT YOU!?" Saul said.

"What is it Saul!?" Jeremy yelled.

"MR. AKIYAMA SENT ASSASSINS ON YOU TWO GUYS! MR. AKIYAMA EVEN MADE SURE THEY HAVE THE CURRENT LOCATION OF A TRACKER ON THAT CAR YOU'RE DRIVING RIGHT NOW! YOU'VE GOTTA BOLT IT OKAY GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!" Saul yelled dramatically.

"FUCKING FUCKER OF FUCK." Jeremy australianed australianly.

And then a huge storm of bullets flew into the car as another car sped up the freeway.

BANG BANG BANG BANG

"GET DOWN!" yelled Jeremy as he quickly dragged Toadie below the windshield.

"FUCK! I DON'T WANNA DIE YOUNG!" Toadie screamed.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND MAYBE YOU WON'T!" Jeremy yelled.

Jeremy handed Toadie a loaded gun.

"Use this." he told Toadie.

"I've never used a gun before I don't know if I can -" Toadie said but was interrupted.

"Listen, you fuck, either we shoot our way out of this mess...OR WE DIE. Your fucking choice." Jeremy told Toad.

Mr. Numbers and Mr. Wrench then approached the car to confirm the status of their targets. 


	8. Chapter Seven: Juddy III

In the forest there were nothing but dead Russian corpses and Juddy sitting on top of a pile of them like a badass Barbarian king.

Ritsu came to Juddy's aid.

"You are hurt master." she said, worringly.

"Don't worry about me, poochie." Juddy said back, affectionately.

"You saved my life master." Ritsu responded.

"It's no problem." Juddy replied.

"If you care about me so much WHY DID YOU CHAIN ME UP." Ritsu said distressingly.

"Well I'm sorry, but I can't trust people very well. Once me and my friend Jeremy were held up by thugs and then they took our guns, but Jeremy had some weird spiritual energy protecting us which gave us magic powers or some nonsense and then we were forced to become killers. Killing is stressful okay? I had to kill like all of the Australian Coalition including Abbott and it was not fun at all and I am not the same man since then."

Ritsu suddenly had sympathy for her captor, "I'm sorry master I didn't know you had such a sad past."

Juddy continued, "That's why I could kill all those Russian bandits they're basically like Australians only more European; their leader Vladimir Putin is exactly like good ol' Abbott only more successful in his schemes."

Ritsu then used her limited knowledge of nursing to heal Juddy, at least a little.

Then suddenly another noise was heard.

"WHO'S THERE!?" said Juddy and Ritsu at the same time.

"Classic stockholm syndrome I guess, hahaha." chuckled a man.

"BRANDON!?" yelled Juddy in surprise.

Brandon was an old war buddy of Justin's. He was very gangster.

"Are you two friends?" said Ritsu.

"Yes this is Brandon, Ritsu. He is an old friend of mine from my old school." Juddy explained.

"WOW." said Ritsu, "You look really cool Brandon! And don't worry your friend Juddy is so nice!"

Brandon chuckled again, "Where'd you find that Asian girlfriend Juddy? Haha."

"IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!" said Juddy and Ritsu at the same time.

"Of course." Brandon said as he put on his shades and then a Thug Life video happened.


	9. Chapter Eight: Cersei II

"Man the readers haven't been complaining enough." Cersei said while sipping her top of the line grand royal wine.

"What shall we do? We can't kill another Stark now because we said we'd only do that if the readers complained!" said Janos Slynt.

But Cersei was cool.  
She had a plan.  
This new kind of meat…  
it was DAVOS!

"Kill Davos Seaworth lol, he's like the only character in this series with any kind of moral compass at all", Cersei gloated evilly.

Janos Slynt then sent Ser Gregor Clegane, the Mountain that Bakes, to capture and cannibalise Ser Davos Seaworth.

"Ha ha ha ha ha we said we wouldn't kill Starks, but other characters are fair game lol." Cersei gloated.

Cersei stroked her chin.

"Capture me Stannis too I have something in mind to piss off his fanboys." Cersei was very excited.

"GIVE ME STANNIS, MOON BOY."

Moon Boy was the royal jester and court fool but secretly he was also a master kidnapper and assassin.

"Yes I shall kidnap Stannis for you me Queen lol." Moon Boy then danced off the stage Bert Newton style.

Cersei sipped more wine on her throne and a Thug Life video happened.


	10. Chapter Nine: Jeremy I

Jeremy was in a tight spot.

He was able to leap out of his car and fire his pistol at the two assassins, and because he was magical, he was not effected by the bullets they were firing at him.

Mr. Numbers and Mr. Wrench unleashed lots of AK48 bullets in Jeremy's body.  
BUT THEY'RE NOT VERY EFFECTIVE!

"Ha ha ha, that almost tickled." Jeremy said cooly.

Unfortunately for Jeremy he had never really used guns that much in his life and shot like someone who graduated from the Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy; so even though he didn't have to worry about the bullets being fired at him he still could not land any hits of his own against the two trained assassins.

"FUCKING HELL." Jeremy said.

The bearded assassin guy with the sideburns, Mr. Numbers, then stopped firing and communicated with Jeremy.

"What's a crazy guy like you escorting that fatass for?"

Jeremy gloated to the man, "That is top secret information Mr. Goat Man, all you need to know is that fatarse's dad is the CEO of a major bank branch and with his son as a hostage I can get VERY rich and then use the money to pay the Master of Dimensions and go back to my home world! Because this isn't my world, DISAPPOINTED!".

But then Jeremy realised he'd just up and told the man everything he had wanted to hear, "Oh fucknuggets!" Jeremy thought.

Then the deaf guy, Mr. Wrench, stopped shooting at Jeremy and then dragged Toadfish out of the car while he was kicking and screaming.  
"NOOOOO I DON'T WANT TO DIE YOUNG!" screamed Toadfish.

"If we can't kill you..."

Mr. Numbers pointed his head towards Toadfish.

"We'll just take that man from you, strand you here and get rich, hahahaha!" said Mr. Numbers.

"Just try", said Jeremy.

Jeremy aimed his pistol at the two again, but while he was focused on trying to kill the two assassins, Mr. Wrench shot the gas tank of Jeremy's car and it blew up.

Mr. Numbers laughed, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA STUPID KID, GUESS YOU'LL HAVE TO HITCHHIKE NOW", said Mr. Numbers as him and Mr. Wrench threw Toadfish into the boot of their own car.

Jeremy was saddened, "NOOOOO NOT MY GOLDEN GOOSE!".

Jeremy tried to intercept and stop the car but it was too late; they had driven off with his meal ticket and had stranded him in the countryside without a car, with hundreds of kilometres between him and the city.

Jeremy australianed, "Fuck my life, just fucking FUCK IT!"

Jeremy then walked alongside the lone country road attempting to hitch a ride. 


	11. Chapter Ten: Saul II

Saul was driving to the courthouse.

He had to defend Jeremy's friend John in a court of law and get him off the hook if he were to get a slice of the delicious sum of money Jeremy was planning to share in his planned bank heist. Get John acquitted was part of the deal Saul had made with him. He only hoped Jeremy and Toadfish had made good use of the warning he had given them about those two asssassins Mr. Numbers and Mr. Wrench.

Saul was then relived when he recieved a call from Jeremy.

He picked up the call with his hands-free set and talked to Jeremy while driving.  
"Hey did you shake off those hitmen." Saul asked.

"Yes and no." Jeremy said sadly. "I managed to avoid getting me and Toadie killed but they blew up my car and took Toad hostage."

"FUCK." said Saul, "Did they find out who Toadie's father was?"

Jeremy hestitated for a moment for some weird reason Saul could not fathom. "Yeah, something along those lines I guess." he replied.

"God, this makes things harder for us, unless you're going to drop the bank heist now?" Saul asked.

"No, I'm not dropping the fucking heist. I am going to find these fucks and get Toadfish back and then I'm going to mail you Mr. Akiyama's dick." Jeremy said in a "badass" tone.

"Good luck then, kiddo." Saul said and then dropped the call.

Saul then came to the courthouse parking lot and parked his car, he then entered the courtroom and stood ready to defend John.

The courthouse rose and the Judge bellowed to the courtroom.

"HOW DO YOU PLEAD, MR. BRIDGER!?" said the Judge.

"NOT GUILTY!" John said while Saul nodded his head.

Then the defenders and the accusers all took the stage, the Chief Prosecutor was Phoenix Wright who lobbed all sorts of accusations against John.

"Jesus fucking christ." Saul thought to himself. "How in nine hells am I supposed to defend this guy when his guiltyness is as plain as day. The things I do for money."  
Saul then mentally prepared himself to use his Plan B in case things went to shit.

The court session moved on.

Shirou Emiya, a friend of one of the girls John had supposedly killed, rose up.  
"THIS MAN IS FUCKING EVIL, HE KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND, FUCKING FUCKER." he said while waving his arms.  
"Is this true, John?" said Phoenix Wright.

"No! It's lies all lies! All it was, was a complete accident! I got tricked into flipping a switch and then a bomb killed them all! I didn't intend to kill anyone!" John yelled.

"OBJECTION!" said Phoenix Wright.  
"You did intend to kill them. The police found a signature on the remnants of the bomb that said "John Bridger's bomb" and the words "XXX Nouvelle" on it."

Phoenix continued.

"John was obviously competing for this girl Nouvelle's affections and she goaded him into killing all those innocent women."

Saul then used his super lawyer skills to defend John, "OBJECTION! Where is this Nouvelle? Nobody has been able to find her! In addition, the bomb was specifically signed with her name, that very much points to my client being FRAMED Mr. Wright!"

Saul seemed to have the upper hand until some footsteps were heard and a glowy attractive woman entered the courtroom.  
"I can answer these questions your honour", the girl said, "I am Nouvelle." said Nouvelle.

Saul could not believe it, the whole courtroom suddenly bowed to this Nouvelle woman, what the fuck was going on here?

"John wanted to be with me, and thought if he killed all those innocent girls who had bullied me, then he would earn my love." Nouvelle sighed, "But instead these poor innocent girls have died because of his monstrous nature." Nouvelle then cried.

The whole courtroom (except Saul and Phoenix) was moved by her words.

"LIAR LIAR LIAR." John yelled.

"OBJECTION!" Saul said, "This woman is not meant to be here! She is directly trying to influence and cheat through the trial!"

"Shut the fuck up Saul you ASSHOLE." said the Judge.

"What!?" said both Saul and Phoenix.

The Judge winked at Nouvelle, "I believe we have heard enough."

The Judge hit his Gavel.

"MR. BRIDGER, FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY, I HEREBY SENTENCE YOU TO MEGA DEATH."

Saul could not believe this, this was not how a defense trial was meant to go, they were violating the sacred oaths of lawyeritity, and not in the cool way Saul did such a thing.

"OBJECTION!" Phoenix Wright said, "I may think John is guilty, BUT THIS IS NOT HOW THE LAW IS MEANT TO BE CARRIED OUT!" Phoenix then walked to Saul's side to back him up.

"I DEMAND John gets a fair trial instead of this MOCKERY!" Phoenix demanded.

"Yeah!" said Saul.

"Silly fucking humans, always defying your betters." Nouvelle said.  
"Very well, KILL THEM!"

And then a huge force of SWAT members and cops and soldiers came in.

"OH GOD NANI THE FUCK." John yelled.

Saul had to use his Plan B right now or they would literally all die.

He pulled out his Lawyer Gun (which was capable of firing Ambulances at people) and fired Ambulances at the army. Phoenix pulled out his pistol and aided Saul as they attempted to escort John to freedom. 


End file.
